Once I had kids I knew my days in the classroom were numbered. Eric and I had hoped that one day I’d stay home with the kids and homeschool. That was the dream. Six years ago, in 2015, that dream became a reality. But it wasn’t long before that dream stopped feeling like a dream. Enter feelings of intense GUILT. How could I have all I ever wanted and not be happy?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids AND being home with them. But the SAHM gig was not what I expected. I wasn’t prepared for the challenges I would face. I wasn’t prepared for the loneliness, the mental load of it all, or how taxing it would be. I felt like I was doing it all wrong because if I was doing it right, I wouldn’t feel this exhausted. I wouldn’t feel like I was drowning.
And as I looked around at my peers, they seemed like they had it all together. They had time to pray, they had flourishing friendships, clean houses, and cute outfits. Some of my friends were advancing in their careers, getting promotions, writing books, running thriving businesses and I was stagnant. Stuck. I felt like I was losing myself; forgetting who I was. I realized my identity was intertwined with my role as teacher, that without it, I didn’t even know who I was.
I felt blessed and grateful to be home with my kids but I couldn’t shake the feeling of discontent. How could I be exactly where God was calling me and feel so lost?
This disillusionment led to a spiraling of emotions from guilt and shame, to resentment, and right back to guilt and shame.
But here’s what I’ve learned recently. Part of my problem was that I lacked the skills necessary to do my greatest work! I had spent years studying for a short lived career as a teacher and had NO training and few skills for the most important work I’d ever endeavor to do.
I also learned that the discontent I was feeling was not a result of my kids or motherhood. It was a result of being DEPLETED! I was a dry well and had nothing left to give. I had thrown myself so deeply into my role as mom that I lost sight of everything else. This was not serving me and it was definitely not serving my family.
At the begining of 2021 I started taking a class called Art of Being a Woman Masterclass through The Woman School. In the masterclass I was introduced to the 8 “arenas” that lead to our wholeness. In some arenas of my life I was doing well; thriving even. But in others, I was running on empty. As a result resentment was creeping in and I was feeling unfulfilled.
During the 6 months, while taking the course, I began to learn how to really unpack the deep desires of my heart and better understand how God is using them to lead me to a life of fullness. The course helped to move me from a place of guilt and shame to a place of peace and cententment in my motherhood. And it gave me the tools I needed to move out of depletion and into wholeness.
I can’t even begin to explain everything I’ve learned or the ways I’ve grown since beginning the ABW Masterclass. Even this website is a result of digging deep into the desires of my heart and finally allowing myself to do something I’ve wanted to do for 6 years. I don’t know the future, or how all this will work out, but I do know that God led me out of resentment and into deeper joy in my motherhood, and one of the ways he did that was inviting me to pursue my own personal passions alongside my work as a homeschool mom. I am so grateful for that, and if you are interested in learning more about The Woman School or the Art of Being a Woman Masterclass, don’t hesitate to ask! I’d love to share.